Why do people hire a coach?
    a. Their spouse told them they could use one.
    b. Their boss told them they could use one.
    c. Their friend told them they could use one.
    d. They want something to be different in their lives – they want a change.

Which answer did you choose? Drum roll please! The correct answer is all 4. However, the first three seldom result in success for either the client or the coach. “D” has the greatest probability for there to be a successful coaching relationship. When I say the client wants a change, I am not speaking of the minor aspects of life. The change I am referring to is one that takes an important part of your life to the next higher level.

Making a significant change happen in your life is much more of a challenge than the positive thinking gurus would lead you to believe. I can’t tell you how many times over the past 4 decades that I have futilely tried to think my way into a making something happen. It never worked. Now I know why.

I haven’t found a silver bullet that makes change easier. What I have discovered are four personal characteristics that are essential to possess in order to successfully make it through what I refer to as the ‘Big Change Zone’. My discovery is the result of reflections on my own life as well as observing hundreds of clients battle through their changes. As often happens for me, the insight came in the middle of a coaching session. About two months ago, I was working with an incredibly talented artist who was really struggling with making a change. In the middle of the call the answer hit me and I found myself talking to him about the 4 C’s of ‘Big Change’. Sorry folks, there is no huge scientific study to back up my ideas. The only proof I have is how people have reacted to my insights when I share them. Hopefully, the responses to this post will continue to confirm the validity of the 4 C’s of Big Change.

By now you are probably saying to yourself, “Enough already Frank. What are the 4 C’s?” I hear you and they are Commitment, Clarity, Courage and Compassion.

I believe it is mandatory to possess the 4 C’s in ample quantity to make a ‘Big Change’ happen. No I can’t define big change exactly. It is different for each person. If there is something that your heart tells you is important and/or you haven’t been able to successfully make the change you desire, that qualifies as a ‘Big Change’.

In today’s post I intend to explain what I mean by commitment and then in three subsequent posts I will discuss the other three. Before I go on, I suggest that you bring to mind a change you want to make and as you read see if what I am saying makes sense and is helpful to you in making the change.

Commitment is defined as the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled. When you are in the ‘Big Change Zone’ being emotionally impelled is mandatory. Commitment represents a state of internal energy that is imperturbable. When you are committed you will do whatever it takes to maintain that level of energy. Most people mistake having an interest in something with making a commitment to it. The difference is immense. When you have a strong interest in something it indicates that you would be happy to see your interest materialize. However, if it doesn’t work out, well that is okay too. There is always a reason why you couldn’t follow through.

If you asked me at any point in the past five years if I was committed to writing the book on which I have been working, I would have quickly responded yes. However, I wasn’t. I had an interest in doing it and I always had excuses as to why I wasn’t working on it at the current time. Fear and procrastination were my constant subconscious companions on the book. It wasn’t until late last year when I became committed to completing it. I realized that living my life’s mission meant that I must complete and publish this book. When I realized that, the energy and creativity I put into it accelerated.

Here is a test you can use to determine if you are committed to making the “Big Change” happen. Ask yourself right now, “What are the top 3 things you are going to do in the next 7 days that will move you closer to success in your change?” As you asked yourself the question, notice the energy you feel as you answer it. Did you feel a surge of power as you answered? If you did feel the energy and you really do what you listed in the week’s time, then you are committed to your intention. If you got a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and a reluctance to come up with anything, you probably are not committed to your goal? If you got a sinking feeling and you don’t do the three things you said you would do and you have several excuses as to why you didn’t, then your commitment is weak at best.

There is no sin in not really being committed to a goal. The problem with ‘fake commitment’ is that when we don’t follow through on our intention it generates guilt and anxiety. The lack of follow through on commitments causes you to be out of integrity with yourself. If you can’t keep your word to yourself, how can you keep it to others? I think it is time to stop saying we are committed when we are not.

Clarity, courage and compassion are integral to having real commitment. It is very difficult to fully commit to something when you lack clarity about who you are and what you really want from life. What do you think, are you committed to your Big Change?

In my next post I will discuss clarity.

Happy New Year to you dear bloggers! 

Maybe it is just my age, but I find myself saying over and over again, “Where did the time go?”  For me it is not just an idle comment.  I really can’t believe how fast my 63 years have flown by.  Let me give you an example.  Not long ago my wife and I went to see the Lettermen perform here in Las Vegas.  As I sat there and listened to their songs, it took me right back to my school days.  I remembered dancing to their songs at “sock hops” in the high school gym.  It seemed absolutely impossible that 5 decades had passed since I first heard them sing.  How could that be?  Where did the time go? 

January has become a time for me to think about my mission and vision for my life.  I want to make sure that I have ideas in place that will lead to the next level of fulfillment of both my mission and vision.  No, I am not talking about New Year Resolutions.  This is a more profound exercise.  Saying “Where did the time go?” when it is just a comment about the speed of life is one thing.  What worries me is that I will say it because it is a comment on my not doing the things that the Divine has sent me here to do.  I don’t want to miss out on the joy that truly being me will create. 

When my daughter got married she choose the Lee Ann Rhymes song I Hope You Dance for our dance together.  The chorus says, When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.  She choose that because she said I taught her to dance whenever she got the chance. 

In 2009 I hope you choose to dance.  I hope you take every opportunity to create the life patterns that match your talents and that you take the actions to make them a reality.  Make sure when you say, “Where did the time go?” that it is just a comment on the speed of life.  Choose to dance. 

Recently, I have been reminding myself that “Life is a never ending series of events”.  The reason I have had that quote on a constant loop in my head is that an event occurred that tapped into a powerful and long standing fear-based life pattern that I have.  The fear is that I am not accepted by people I care about.  Just when I thought I had this love-based thing mastered and I was living a life that was always filled with joy and abundance, I was hit between the eyes with this old fear.  I had a strong physical reaction to the event which included an elevated heart-rate that I could actually hear in my ears. 

 

I tried desperately to put a gap between stimulus and response so that I could get a better perspective on things.   No matter how often I repeated the process of breathing through my heart and focusing on solutions, I could not get the emotion of fear to subside for more than 5 minutes.   Trust me; I love the feeling of joy flowing through my body, mind and spirit and this was a temporary event that I wanted to be history.  After about 36 hours the fear subsided, but it didn’t disappear completely.  I continued to process the situation with less intensity and less frequency for 3-4 days.  Although I identified the fear I was dealing with in the first paragraph, I didn’t really recognize it until I started to write this post, then it jumped out at me – this is about being accepted.  Up to this point, I had fallen into being a victim.  I am not!  My sense of self does not depend on the good opinion of others.  I easily create love and joy in my life. 

 

Life really is a never ending series of temporary events.  And, yes, sometimes feeling joyful takes an extended effort.  It would be wonderful if everything could be solved in 30 minutes like they do on TV, but it can’t.  Creating a gap and the smile exercise are powerful tools to creating the life I want, even if they don’t always create the desired result instantaneously. 

 

I would enjoy hearing your reactions to my struggle with a life long fear-based life pattern.  What have you learned from what I wrote?  

Most of the time topics for the blog have just popped out at me.  As you may have read, something happens and it quickly strikes me as something I want to write about and I do.  In several cases, what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. 

However, since returning to Michigan from Las Vegas, ‘popping out’ kinds of event don’t seem to be happening as often.  Today something did ‘pop out’ at me.  It was the daily email quote from the Hearthmath Institute.  The quote is:   

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.”   Jawaharlal Nehru

The last four words struck me – with our eyes open.  It seemed to me that the phrase was incomplete or perhaps even wrong.  What I have learned in my life and from the people in my teleclasses is that it is not our eyes, but our hearts that must be open in order to view all of the possibilities in the world. 

At the end of the first session of recently started Change Your Energy – Change Your Life Teleclass, I once again asked the participants to consciously put a Gap between Stimulus and Response and see what happens.  As it always does, what they related at the beginning of the second call blew me away.  Interactions, between parents and kids had changed, spouses of the participants received loving responses where before there had been anger, a manager of one of the attendees was treated more kindly, opportunities to investigate new ways of doing things were explored and the list goes on. 

Each person on the call reported on the outcome of their efforts to come from the heart, to create a gap.    It was delightful to hear people talk about joyful happenings in their lives, especially where there had been little or no joy.  Their experiences didn’t change because they had their eyes open, their experience changed because they opened their heart and then the eyes followed.  When you open your heart, you can not view the world the same way as you once did. 

Once you are done reading this, my challenge to you is to consciously put a Gap between Stimulus and Response, open your heart, manage your emotions and see what happens.  When you do, please post the outcome here, so that others will be encouraged to create a Gap. 

STIMULUS   -  GAP  -  RESPONSE

If you are not sure how, contact me. 

If you have done this before with me, try it again. 

 

 

 

 

I love the summer time.  I especially love summer weekends at our home in Michigan when kids and grandkids visit for some fun in the sun.  This past weekend my youngest son, his wife and two children visited with us for three days.  The grandkids are a five year old boy and a seven year old girl.  And even if I weren’t their grandfather, I would say they are great kids. 

 

It was a wonderful weekend that was filled with questions that all began with “Grandpa can we….”.  It was:
Grandpa can we go fishing?

Grandpa can we go in the kayak?

Grandpa can I row the kayak ?

Grandpa can we go in the paddle boat?

Grandpa can we shoot the BB gun?

Grandpa can we go to the beach?

Grandpa can we roast marshmallows?

Grandpa can we get in the hot tub?

 

And the list goes on. 

 

What a blessing it is to watch and participate in the excitement of children exploring the world.  For me that is one of the greatest gifts God has given me.  I love the adventure of seeking out new things in life and to be able to do that with my grandkids, brings a smile to my heart.  Being in the kayak with my 5-year old grandson as he paddled it for the first time by himself was pure joy.  Of course in turning the paddling completely over to him, I had to deal with my control issues about going in a straight line as we zigzagged across the pond.  Giving up the control was worth it to see the sense of accomplishment and joy on his face as we wondered around the pond. 

 

Throughout the weekend I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be wonderful if as adults we could remember to have fun and explore the way we did when we were kids.  In my experience as a coach, when my clients asked themselves the adult version of “Grandpa can I ____?” the answer is “No you can’t, you have too much to do to have fun.”  

 

If we seldom experience a ‘Grandpa can we __ weekend’ where the intent is to have fun and explore new things, life becomes boring and our zest for living diminishes. 

 

I would like to suggest that you schedule a ‘Grandpa can we__?’ weekend, where learning and fun are the focus.  Pretend like you are a kid, allow your heart to sing and notice what happens to your energy the following week.  And if you can’t think of place to go to do it, you are invited to visit us in Michigan.  This is the perfect place to rediscover the ‘kid’ in you.   

On our recent drive across the country as we returned to Michigan, we stopped for gas in eastern Colorado.  This pit stop was one of those where the only thing at the exit was the gas station.  Not one of my favorite types of places to stop.  However, when the gas tank is low and your bladder is full, you stop wherever you can.  This gas station was built many, many decades ago.  No new- fangled gas pumps that allow you to pay at the pump, you had to go inside to pay.  

 

To my surprise, the gentleman who managed the store was a delightful, engaging and a well read individual.  I say well read because when I told him I have published articles he reached down and pulled out a huge stack of magazines from under the counter.  The magazines covered every business topic from human resources to information technology.  The stop turned into a very delightful experience and an engaging conversation in a place where you wouldn’t expect one. 

 

During our conversation the station manager asked me a question that caused me to hesitate before I answered it and to think a great deal about it since we pulled away from that station two weeks ago. 

 

What is the one question that is always asked when you are traveling and you meet strangers?  You guessed it. The question is “Where are you from?”   

 

I had to hesitate when I answered.   Based on how the conversation was going, what I believe the manager wanted to know was “Tell me where you are from so that I will know how you view the world.”   If I told him we were from Las Vegas, he would have gotten an inaccurate impression.  Living for a little over a year in Vegas doesn’t make you from Las Vegas.   If I said Michigan, that would be even less accurate.  Even though we have owned our house in Michigan for 2 years, we have only lived in it for 6 months.  And since it has been 2 years since we lived in Chicago, that didn’t seem to fit.   My hometown of Pittsburgh is now ancient history after 30 years in Chicago.  What a dilemma. 

 

Unfortunately I can’t remember how I answered the question.  I just remember the feeling I had of not knowing how to describe where I am from. 

 

Perhaps I was reacting to the question behind the question, which was about how I viewed the world.  At this point in life, my view of the world is a combination of many places I lived and visited, books I have read, spiritual experiences I have had etc.  It is much broader than any one place or event.  The city I am from is no longer a descriptor of who I am.   It is not just the moving multiple times that makes answering the question a challenge.  It is many decades of searching for the real me.  Now that I have found it, how can I explain where I came from?

 

If I didn’t think folks would perceive me as being flippant, in the future I would answer the question, “ Where are you from?” by saying “Lots of places”. 

 

My thanks go to the wonderful gentleman in the gas station for asking me such an important question. 

 

How would you answer the question, “Where are you from?” 

No, I am not imagining that I am Willie Nelson. 

 

What I am imaging is returning to our home in Michigan for the next six months.  You have heard the saying, “ If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.”  Well I have a new version, “ If you cant stand the heat get out of Vegas in the summer.”  Several months of 110+ is too much.  Yes, it is a dry heat.   But 120 is hootttt!!!!!   All through last July, August and September, I got to witness temperature readings on the thermometer in my car that were higher than I had ever seen.   Frankly, I was surprised that it would go that high. 

 

Thanks to my wife’s talents and her employer’s flexibility we are able to spend the summer and fall in our home in Holland, Michigan.  Our intent is to return to Las Vegas next January.  Just in time to miss all of the snow in Holland.  Notice that I said ‘intent’.  With the use of that word I am leaving the door open for what we want to happen or something better.  And for the past several years something wonderful, unexpected and of major importance has been happening to my wife and me on a frequent basis.  I am learning to be open to “receive” whatever the Divine has in mind for me.  Lately it has been a series of wonderful adventures that involve moving and creating the lifestyle of our dreams. 

 

I am learning to manage my emotions, and thus my energy to so that I increase the frequency of experiencing joy and abundance.  Moving, however, brings a whole series of emotional challenges for me.  One of the more debilitating challenges is managing the details of moving my office  - AGAIN.  In case you don’t know this about me, I HATE DETAILS!   I go into what I call ‘detail shock’.  When I am in ‘detail shock’ I become irritable, I sometimes even start to shake and worst of all I begin to crave sweets.  Well, not just crave sweets; I devour sweets, especially chocolate.  I used to go into ‘detail shock’ and not even know what was happening to me.  Now I recognize it and have advanced to the ability of being able to express to my wife what is happening.  I don’t expect her to fix it.  It just helps me to say it out loud.  That way she doesn’t have to take it personally and when I say it out loud it is my cue to myself to accelerate my efforts to create joy or buy more chocolate. 

 

In case you are wondering, the upcoming move to Holland has triggered my ‘detail shock’.  On occasion it has been severe.  But I believe it is under control.  My wife may be a better judge of that.  If you get a chance ask her. 

 

On May 15 we will be “On the Road Again!” heading down the highway for Michigan.  I will have my office in Holland operational on May 21.  The phone number there in case you have forgotten it, is 616-786-9226.  No worry, the Vegas number will still work and be forwarded to MI. 

 

My first stop when we arrive in Holland will be at the grocery store to load up on chocolate so that I can make it through organizing the details of my office.  Perhaps I will do 2000 miles of smile exercises so that I won’t need it by the time we get there. 

“What’s the plan for today?”  That’s usually one of the first interchanges I have with my wife every Saturday and Sunday.  However, it is not the question you think it is. 

 

‘What’s the plan?’ has nothing to do with what are the tasks for today.  It is really code for “What’s the adventure for today?”  And last Sunday when I asked in code, “What is the plan for today?” Sheleen’s reply was, “I am not sure, but let’s do something.”  It wasn’t to long until she was reading aloud from the newspaper about a little town called Nelson in the Eldorado Canyon.  The article said that the desert flowers are beautiful at this time of year and it is only a short distance from Las Vegas.  “Great, I am up for that!” was my response. 

 

Let’s skip forward to Monday morning when I was conducting a teleclass.  The class is part of a series on Napoleon Hill’s classic book, Think and Grow Rich.  The topic of the chapter was the brain and how it is both a transmitter and a receiver.  Over the years I have studied and talked innumerable times about the human ability to transmit and the Law of Attraction.  So for that class, I choose to do something different.  I focused on the brain being a receiver.   

 

As I prepared for the class, I was inspired to create the Law of Receiving.  It states that you will always receive what you are prepared for and open to receive.  What good is it if you are sending all those wonderful messages into the universe and you are not prepared for the response?  I am sure you have all heard the story about the fellow who drowned in a flood.  When he arrived at the Pearly Gates and was greeted by St. Peter, he inquired as to why God had not answered his prayers to be rescued when he was stranded on his roof top?  St. Peter replied, “We sent a row boat, a power boat and a helicopter.  To all three you said, “No thanks God will save me.” 

 

Obviously, he was not prepared to receive that for which he asked. 

 

I have asked that my life be an adventure that is full of learning and discovery. 

 

I didn’t forget about Nelson, Nevada.  The adventure of seeing magnificent desert flowers and quaint little town wasn’t quite what we expected.  Yes, there were flowers, but not many.  The town consisted of a handful of double-wide mobile homes and a narrow dirt ‘Main Street’.  Not quite what we had requested/hoped for.  We were literally at the fork in the road and we had to decide if we were open to receive other possibilities on this adventure.  Should we proceed further down in the canyon?  We choose to continue.  That afternoon we encountered an abandon gold mine, an old general store with tons of memorabilia, and spectacular rock formations that can only be found in the Southwest. Oh, and lots more flowers.   It was a very rewarding adventure. 

 

Saying yes at the fork in the road isn’t always easy for me.  The restrictive fear based life patterns are disappearing.  More and more I am saying yes and putting the Law of Receiving to work.  When I put a gap between stimulus and response, the Divine is always there to fill it with possibilities. 

 

Are you ready to receive what you have been asking for? 

 

 

 

 

 

My last post was about the energy of the surf, today I am writing about a different energy – the energy of learning. 

Two weeks ago my bride and I had the pleasure of spending a few days vacationing in Sun Valley, Idaho with my daughter and her two kids.  It was a skiing trip that produced several unexpected gifts.  The first gift was that I was able to ski with my 5 year old Granddaughter, Makenna.  No, I wasn’t her first instructor; a very talented young man employed by the ski school at Dollar Mountain had that honor.  The ski instructor did a marvelous job of teaching her the basics, including how to get on and off the chair lift.  After Makenna’s initial lesson on Saturday, we skied together for two days.  The difference from our first time down the hill, to the last run on the second day was amazing.  On our first try, I had to ski about 10 feet in front of her, stop, turn around and catch her as she skied to me.  The last trip down the hill, on the second afternoon, she jumped off the chair lift and requested that I wait at the top of the hill while she went down on her own.  Of course I wasn’t willing to do that; instead I skied about 100 feet behind her.  As I followed her, I was surprised to see her skiing over small bumps attempting to, as the skiers say, “catch some air”.    The learning that had taken place was phenomenal.  In case you are wondering, grandpa is way past the stage of “catching air”. 

Those two days of skiing were a gift on many levels.  The obvious gift was the joy of skiing with my Granddaughter and having so much one on one time with her.  It is not often, as a grandpa, that I get that kind of time with one of my Grandkids.  Wow, what a thrill!  The second gift was part of the first, but not so obvious, it was the delight I got from being part of her learning experience.   For me, there is no greater feeling than to be part of helping someone learn something that brings a smile to their face and joy to their heart.  The energy that surrounds those events is unique.  A sense of connection occurs that is very special. 

The third gift was that I had to learn something as well.  I had to learn how to coach a five year old, who was just learning to ski.  That pushed me to rethink how I get on and off the lift and get down the hill while making sure that Makenna was safe.  I felt anxious as I learned something new.   I will admit that I was very nervous the first couple of times.  What if I messed up helping her on the lift?  What if she got scared while we were skiing and as a result she didn’t trust me?  Then I remembered, smile, breath and enjoy the process.  None of my ‘what if’s’ came true.  

Fortunately, everyday I get to experience the energy of helping others to learn and being pushed to learn something new myself.  I sincerely thank each of you that have participated in that process with me. 

How about you, are you experiencing the energy of coaching others to learn and feeling the push of having to learn yourself?  Are you recognizing those opportunities when they come along?  Jump in, the water is fine. 

Yes the surf is up.  The new picture in the header was taken 2 weeks ago at Anini Beach on the Garden Island of Kauai. 

 

Not only was the surf up, it was roaring all day and night long.  The waves were often 10 -20 feet high and the sound they made as they crashed against the lava rocks made my senses tingle.  Not to mention the visual spectacular of watching the surf rush under the lava on the shore and then explode through an opening in the rocks and soar up the cliff (see picture).  The cliff in this shot is at least 70 feet high and the surf frequently sprayed to the top of the cliff as it pounded the shore.  We were blessed to be able to experience this for six days.

 

I always feel energized when I go to the beach.  This time it was more profound than usual.  Perhaps it was because I had not seen or heard the ocean be that tumultuous for so long a period of time.  Whatever the cause, the outcome was wonderful.  I can still feel the power that I experienced when I took the picture and the energy it created in me. 

 

If you have spent time at the beach, you know that when the surf is up, there are always wonderful surprises left on the beach when the tide retreats.  Anini beach is protected by a coral reef, so at low tide we found wonderful and beautiful little pieced of coral that had broken off and washed ashore.  So in addition to the auditory and visual delights of the surf, I had the pleasure of discovering natural treasures on the beach. 

 

When I connect with energy of nature, it always causes my creativity to flow.  This trip was no exception.  I am looking forward to sharing those insights when I launch a new teleclass next week  titled “Quantum Change – The secret to joy and abundance”. 

 

My wish for you is that you can find a source for renewal as powerful as what I experienced in Kauai.  If you have or you do, please let me know so that I can share it with others.  If you haven’t found it or aren’t looking for it, I encourage you to begin the process of finding a way to re-create yourself.