Posted by: smilecoach | March 24, 2014

Making the Connection

 

In the Gap between stimulus and response is where we have the opportunity to make the connection to love or fear. The Positive Psychologists tell us it is making the connection to love and learning to feel the emotion of joy that increases our level success and meaning in life.
For almost two decades I have been coaching my clients on connecting to their hearts and elevating the energy and joy they create around themselves. I have searched for years to find a symbol of what I want in my life and what I hope to assist others to create in their lives. With the help of my friend and talented artist/designer A.D. Cook, I believe at last I have the perfect symbol for who I am and what I do. Thank you A.D.!  http://www.adcookdesign.com/
I am delighted to present the new logo for Frank Mallinder.

 

small heart

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Posted by: smilecoach | May 28, 2010

Wow, what a ride!!!

One of my favorite quotes is:

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming…’Wow! What a ride!”

Source unknown’

 Well as a result of by-pass surgery my body, which includes a huge scar in the center of my chest, no longer qualifies for being pretty and well preserved (not that it ever did).  However, I am exclaiming, “Wow! What a ride!”  Since the surgery 4 months ago life has gotten better and better.  When I chat with friends they ask me, “How is the recovery going?”  I respond with, “GREAT!”  To which they add, “So are you getting back to your old self?”  To their surprise I say,” No, I am not getting back to my old self, I have zoomed past that and I am going for the new and improved version of Frank Mallinder.” 

 I am very grateful for God’s gift of heart surgery because it aided me in doing several things I was resisting doing when left to my own devices.  One of those things was getting in good physical condition.  My efforts at this over the past decade were sporadic.  For a month or two I would ride my bike 2-4 times per week.  The rides would be from 2 – 10 miles depending on my energy level.  On a few occasions I would push myself and ride more than 10 miles.  Somehow I would get distracted forget about getting on the bike for a while.  Then, out of the blue, for some reason I would spy my bike sitting in the corner of the garage, looking neglected, silently inviting me to hop on and for a spin around the town.   The spark for riding and getting fit would be ignited once more – temporarily. 

 Thanks to by-pass surgery that is no longer true.  By-pass surgery is unbelievably debilitating.  I hate being incapacitated in any way.  The only answer to that was to get up off my butt and get moving.  I did get moving and haven’t missed a day of exercise in over 3 months.  Granted, some of the early workouts consisted of just finding the strength to walk across the street. I never thought I would be happy just being able to get across the street.  But, I was and each day I would go a little further.  It wasn’t long before I was walking 45 minutes a day. Initially it wasn’t walking; it was more of a shuffle.  Last night my wife and I walked, not shuffled, 2.75 miles, including going up a hill I never thought I could master.  The ‘old version’ of Frank couldn’t make it up this hill on his bike with the gears set to make it very easy to pedal.  What a triumph that was easily walking up the hill. 

 I have vague memories of learning new things as a child, especially riding a bike and playing baseball. How exciting it was as a child to master something I really wanted to do.   Walking these past couple of months has been a similar experience.  I wish you could have felt the delightful energy inside of my body as I walked up that very steep hill.  It was pure joy.  What a gift I have been given to be in that naïve learning mode at the age of 64.  Wow, what a walk!   

 No, I am not recommending heart surgery as vehicle to recapture your youth.  I am saying that now I am doing something I love to do – exercise and be fit.  Why did it have to take surgery for me to wake up? 

 My suggestion to you is to by-pass the by-pass surgery and do what you love. 

Let me know when you proclaim, “Wow what a ride!”

Posted by: smilecoach | January 21, 2010

Hiring Talented People

Hiring talented people is important to the success of a company.  On my radio show this week I talked suggested that network marketers should interview people prior to inviting them to join their organization.  Just being able to fog a mirror is not enough. 

During the show I suggested that there are three behavioral dimensions that are important when you are expecting someone to be independent and successful.   They are initiative, accountability and planning/ organization. 

Initiative is the willingness and ability to take action to make things happen.  Accountability is assuming responsibility for successfully completing assignments.  Planning and organization is defined as establishing courses of action to ensure the work is completed efficiently. 

By asking the right questions you can find out if the applicant has the necessary talent in a particular dimension.  Yes you can determine what their life patterns are in each of area by asking insightful questions and listening fully to the response.  Below are some questions you can use to uncover talent in initiative, accountability and planning/organization skills. 

For initiative you can ask-

  • Tell me about ways you have found to make your job easier in the last 6 months?
  • Tell me about a time you were not producing the results you expected, what did you do and what was the outcome? 

For accountability you can ask-

  • What were the criteria for success in your job ?  What did you do to ee the criteria and give me some examples.
  • Give me an example of a time when your work was above standard and a time when it was below standard.  What were some reasons for the differences in performance? 

Planning and organizing you can ask-

  • Tell me about a time when you had to coordinate resources  to complete a complex project.  What did you do and what was the outcome?
  • Tell me about a time when you had to adjust your priorities to make an important meeting?  What did you do and what was the outcome?

I would love to hear if you agree with the behaviors and/or what other questions you would ask.

Posted by: smilecoach | January 8, 2010

Self-Employed Successfully?

 

Happy New Year! 2010 is great year to be successfully self-employed or is it?  The answer depends on whether you have figured out what it will take to be successfully self-employed.  On my internet-based radio program, Creating the Energy of Success , I shared “The Ten Things that Lead to Success in Self-employment”.  This is a list that I developed as guidance for me.  Your list may or may not be the same, however, I encourage you to determine your list of ten, eight or two things you know that you must have or do to be successfully self employed.  When you know what they are then you can take the action to make this year a great one.  If you don’t know what it will take, how are you going to get there? 

Here is the list.

Top ten things to do for huge success in Self Employment

  1. Do what you love.  Know what the mission for your life is and live it.  Put your talent to full use.  Don’t hold back. 
  2. Be very specific about what you intend to accomplish this year. 
  3. Set up a system of personal accountability.  Without a system you are likely to fall short of your intent.  Hire a coach, start a mastermind group or find a mentor.  Whatever it takes.  Just don’t do it alone. 
  4. Create a detailed monthly budget for revenue, expenses and profits. 
  5. Document a detailed plan on how to accomplish your intent. 
  6. Create a mastermind and use it vigorously.  Create a mastermind that will challenge you to perform at your highest level. 
  7. Become an expert at networking.  Networking is more than collecting cards, it is also about helping others people succeed.   
  8.  The three most important words in self-employment success –
     Learn-Learn-Learn.
  9. Study selling and marketing.  Become an expert at each.  Sell is not a nasty four-letter word and without effective marketing activities, you may as well be winking at an attractive person in the dark. 
  10. To keep the energy flowing it is important to generate, protect and cleanse your energy on a daily basis.

When you create your list or adapt one from this, it would be great if you send me a copy.  I would love to publish a powerful list that is the combination of many wonderful minds. Or just publish your list as a comment here.

Posted by: smilecoach | October 1, 2009

Who’s on First?

It’s time for a trivia quiz.  What comedy team made the skit, “Who’s on first?” famous. 

The answer is Abbot and Costello.  That was also a test to determine how old you are.  If you are under 50 you probably don’t know who they were unless you have seen them on Nickelodeon.  If you are over 60 I am sure you know who Bud Abbot and Lou Costello are. 

In case you want to see it here is the link  –

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M

This is not a meaningless diversion, I am going someplace with this.  When I last wrote on the blog I was talking about the ‘4 C’s’ of Big Change.   And finally we are on the last ‘C’ which is Compassion.  When we get ‘wrapped up’ in the Big Change it is easy to get confused and forget about what is important and ourselves.  “Who’s on first?” is all about confusion. 

All of us have long hidden, yet very powerful, subconscious fear based patterns that are the source of a never ending barrage of negative self talk.  How can you create change if you are constantly being critical of what you are doing and thinking?  All of us know that compassion should be shown towards others; however we never do it for ourselves.   We get confused about what is important about our Big Change.  When it becomes about achieving an external final result you are confused.  The Big Change is about creating a meaningful life in which you consistently employ your talents with ease and grace.    

 When I asked clients who are in the middle of a Big Change, “What were your recent successes?” the reply is some version of “Not much.”  As we talk, it becomes clear that just the opposite is true-there are numerous successes.  However, because the successes didn’t rock the world, they didn’t count.  The result is they don’t give themselves credit for what they have accomplished and there are no celebrations along the path to the Big Change.  There is the seemingly universal belief that you must wait until you get to the ‘end’ before you can feel good about yourself and celebrate.  Why not give yourself a break, recognize your accomplishments along the way, love yourself and enjoy the process?  Why not have compassion for yourself? 

 The next time you become confused about the real goal and you are berating yourself for not doing more, faster – STOP – remember Who’s on first? – smile and be kind to yourself.  Who’s on first? You are!

Posted by: smilecoach | July 23, 2009

This is a test.

Surprise, this is a test.  What are the four C’s of ‘Big Change’? 

 Here is a hint, each word begins with C.  –That was a joke!   I hope you got it. 

 The first two were Clarity and Commitment. 

 My guess is that you have forgotten not only what they are, but also what the ‘Big Change’ is.  That is perfectly alright.  I work on and talk about them daily and I have to look at my notes. 

Just to refresh your memory on the four C’s and the ‘Big Change’ here is a recap.  ‘Big Change’ is my term for those changes you want to implement so that you can live the life of your dreams.  The ‘Big Change’ is often a change that you have tried to implement many times and couldn’t quite get there.  I have, as have my coaching clients, not succeeded in making the ‘Big Change’ because commitment, clarity, courage and compassion(notice the 4 C’s) were absent or in short supply. Understanding the 4 C’s and making the ‘Big Change’ are important in order to experience the thrill of being completely you with all of your talent on display for the world to appreciate.    

 Today’s blog is about courage

 I define courage as the willingness to confront your fear based life patterns when you are making the ‘Big Change” in your life.  Courage is what separates having an average or above average life from having a great life.    With courage you are able to take actions that may be uncomfortable and disruptive to life as you have known it.  To stop the cycle of doing the same things over and over again, expecting a different result, you must have courage to do things differently. 

 When courage is absent as you embark on a ‘Big Change’ you will find yourself continually questioning the wisdom of your decision to go for it.  When courage is in short supply I would  hear myself saying, “I am comfortable where I am.  Why push myself? Nobody will notice if I don’t finish this.  It doesn’t matter anyway.”  

 The good news is that everyone has more courage than they think.  However, courage can’t exist without a foundation.  Clarity on your mission and vision, combined with supporting love based life patterns powered by  the “smile exercise” will greatly elevate your level of courage.  Having someone to support through you the change helps to keep your courage alive and flowing. 

 Pete (not his real name) a client of mine decided he wanted to elevate his level of engagement with life and use more of his talents.   He wanted his life to be an accurate portrayal of who he is, not a reflection of someone living at half speed.  One of the things Pete wanted to do is run in a marathon.  Pete had been a runner for a long time and he really enjoyed it.  He wanted to test himself by running a marathon.  Over a 6 month period Pete put the foundation in place by writing mission and vision.  He also took small steps to begin living his mission and vision.   He regularly did his smile exercise and of course I was encouraging and coaching him along the way. 

 With the foundation in place Pete had the courage to take on the marathon.  He had to create a training schedule that was much more rigorous than he had ever experienced.  He had the courage to continue training even when it would have been easier to sit at home after a long day at work.  Because he was training, his wife was upset that he wasn’t always at home as he once was.  He had to have the courage to face her displeasure with his workout schedule.  Pete wasn’t neglecting his wife; he just wasn’t there ‘all of the time’ as he was before.  Pete ran in the marathon and his wife is now training with him and they are planning on running a half marathon together.    

 How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  That is the same way that courage is developed – one small action at a time that moves you in the direction of your ‘Big Change’.  Put your foundation in place and the courage to make your ‘Big Change’ will follow.   

 Once I thought courage was something I needed in times of physical danger.  Now I know that it is mandatory to live a meaningful life in which I get to use my talents. 

 Final test for today.  What is the last ‘C’ we need to discuss?

Posted by: smilecoach | July 13, 2009

What do you really, really, really want?

When I ask clients what they really, really, really want in their lives, I frequently hear the following phrases:

  • I think that I probably want to ….
  • I should be doing this because…..
  • If I had more money I would….
  • If I were younger I would…..

 What do all of these partial statements have in common?

a)    They are excuses.

b)    They are indicators of fear.

c)    They are what you believe to be true.

d)    They demonstrate a lack of clarity on what you really want?

 If you said, and I know that you did, they all have a,b,c,and d in common, you are right.   Even though I have been hired as a coach to help people make a change, many, if not most, don’t really know what they want.  Or if they do know the goal, it changes a short ways into the coaching process.  Before you accuse me of blaming my clients for not knowing what they want, let me say that I am not blaming anyone.  Knowing exactly what the ‘big change’ is takes a lot time and energy, not to mention self development know-how.  Only a small percentage of people were taught early in life to find out what they really, really, really want in life and how to achieve it.  If you were never taught this, how can you expect to be an expert in creating a ‘big change’ life?  What most of us have been taught between the ages of 0 and 2 are whole bunch of fear based life patterns that result in a ‘no change’ life.  Fear based lives are like driving an automobile with a fogged up windshield, it is very difficult to see the road ahead.  And even though you know that you need to turn on the defroster, you can’t find it in the high tech world of computer operated cars.  Besides in today’s world who has time to wait for things to be clear before you leave the driveway?

 If you enter the “big change zone” without clarity you are doomed to wondering around aimlessly while your frustration grows as you fail to reach your destination.  Instituting changes, that lead to a more meaningful, joyful and abundant life, demands clarity on several different levels. 

 In order to make the ‘big change’ you are seeking in your life, you need great clarity in at least two areas.  The first is the mission for your life.  Your mission statement describes the core concept for your life.  It is your reason for being here.  If you are still saying, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!” it will be very difficult to make a ‘big change’ happen.  ‘Big Change’ is never easy, however it is more likely to occur when you are clear on who you want to be.  If you have spent any time coaching with me or in one of my classes, you know how important I believe mission statements are. (Right now, I hope my clients are reciting their mission statement to themselves.)  You are part of the way there once you have created your mission statement and memorized it so that you can say it at gunpoint.  Real clarity comes when you begin to take action to make your mission come true. 

 The second area of clarity that ‘big change’ requires is  life patterns.  It is mandatory that you are aware of the fear based life patterns that are preventing you from taking bold action and then creating love based life patterns that support your ‘big change’.  That means doing the Smile Exercise 30 times a day for 30 days.  Combining your mission statement with power of love based life patterns to support your mission create a higher level of energy and thus commitment to make the ‘big change’. 

 Not long ago I had a client who was in a lot of emotional and spiritual pain.  She had no mission statement, operated from fear based patterns most of the time and on every coaching call she wanted to focus on something different.  First it was to find a job, then it was to be a leader in a service organization, then it was to be a writer, then it was ….. All along the way we kept clarifying life patterns and working on her mission statement.  Slowly clarity developed.  The emotional and spiritual pain has been replaced with a feeling of joy, a clear direction for her career and new power and joy in her writing. 

 When you enter the “big change zone” be prepared to spend more than 30 minutes getting to the answer. 

 Are you ready to turn on your defroster and clearly see the road ahead?

 It takes courage to follow through to make the ‘big change’ happen.  Next I will write about courage.

Posted by: smilecoach | May 13, 2009

Why do people hire a coach?

Why do people hire a coach?
    a. Their spouse told them they could use one.
    b. Their boss told them they could use one.
    c. Their friend told them they could use one.
    d. They want something to be different in their lives – they want a change.

Which answer did you choose? Drum roll please! The correct answer is all 4. However, the first three seldom result in success for either the client or the coach. “D” has the greatest probability for there to be a successful coaching relationship. When I say the client wants a change, I am not speaking of the minor aspects of life. The change I am referring to is one that takes an important part of your life to the next higher level.

Making a significant change happen in your life is much more of a challenge than the positive thinking gurus would lead you to believe. I can’t tell you how many times over the past 4 decades that I have futilely tried to think my way into a making something happen. It never worked. Now I know why.

I haven’t found a silver bullet that makes change easier. What I have discovered are four personal characteristics that are essential to possess in order to successfully make it through what I refer to as the ‘Big Change Zone’. My discovery is the result of reflections on my own life as well as observing hundreds of clients battle through their changes. As often happens for me, the insight came in the middle of a coaching session. About two months ago, I was working with an incredibly talented artist who was really struggling with making a change. In the middle of the call the answer hit me and I found myself talking to him about the 4 C’s of ‘Big Change’. Sorry folks, there is no huge scientific study to back up my ideas. The only proof I have is how people have reacted to my insights when I share them. Hopefully, the responses to this post will continue to confirm the validity of the 4 C’s of Big Change.

By now you are probably saying to yourself, “Enough already Frank. What are the 4 C’s?” I hear you and they are Commitment, Clarity, Courage and Compassion.

I believe it is mandatory to possess the 4 C’s in ample quantity to make a ‘Big Change’ happen. No I can’t define big change exactly. It is different for each person. If there is something that your heart tells you is important and/or you haven’t been able to successfully make the change you desire, that qualifies as a ‘Big Change’.

In today’s post I intend to explain what I mean by commitment and then in three subsequent posts I will discuss the other three. Before I go on, I suggest that you bring to mind a change you want to make and as you read see if what I am saying makes sense and is helpful to you in making the change.

Commitment is defined as the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled. When you are in the ‘Big Change Zone’ being emotionally impelled is mandatory. Commitment represents a state of internal energy that is imperturbable. When you are committed you will do whatever it takes to maintain that level of energy. Most people mistake having an interest in something with making a commitment to it. The difference is immense. When you have a strong interest in something it indicates that you would be happy to see your interest materialize. However, if it doesn’t work out, well that is okay too. There is always a reason why you couldn’t follow through.

If you asked me at any point in the past five years if I was committed to writing the book on which I have been working, I would have quickly responded yes. However, I wasn’t. I had an interest in doing it and I always had excuses as to why I wasn’t working on it at the current time. Fear and procrastination were my constant subconscious companions on the book. It wasn’t until late last year when I became committed to completing it. I realized that living my life’s mission meant that I must complete and publish this book. When I realized that, the energy and creativity I put into it accelerated.

Here is a test you can use to determine if you are committed to making the “Big Change” happen. Ask yourself right now, “What are the top 3 things you are going to do in the next 7 days that will move you closer to success in your change?” As you asked yourself the question, notice the energy you feel as you answer it. Did you feel a surge of power as you answered? If you did feel the energy and you really do what you listed in the week’s time, then you are committed to your intention. If you got a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and a reluctance to come up with anything, you probably are not committed to your goal? If you got a sinking feeling and you don’t do the three things you said you would do and you have several excuses as to why you didn’t, then your commitment is weak at best.

There is no sin in not really being committed to a goal. The problem with ‘fake commitment’ is that when we don’t follow through on our intention it generates guilt and anxiety. The lack of follow through on commitments causes you to be out of integrity with yourself. If you can’t keep your word to yourself, how can you keep it to others? I think it is time to stop saying we are committed when we are not.

Clarity, courage and compassion are integral to having real commitment. It is very difficult to fully commit to something when you lack clarity about who you are and what you really want from life. What do you think, are you committed to your Big Change?

In my next post I will discuss clarity.

Posted by: smilecoach | January 10, 2009

Where did the time go?

Happy New Year to you dear bloggers! 

Maybe it is just my age, but I find myself saying over and over again, “Where did the time go?”  For me it is not just an idle comment.  I really can’t believe how fast my 63 years have flown by.  Let me give you an example.  Not long ago my wife and I went to see the Lettermen perform here in Las Vegas.  As I sat there and listened to their songs, it took me right back to my school days.  I remembered dancing to their songs at “sock hops” in the high school gym.  It seemed absolutely impossible that 5 decades had passed since I first heard them sing.  How could that be?  Where did the time go? 

January has become a time for me to think about my mission and vision for my life.  I want to make sure that I have ideas in place that will lead to the next level of fulfillment of both my mission and vision.  No, I am not talking about New Year Resolutions.  This is a more profound exercise.  Saying “Where did the time go?” when it is just a comment about the speed of life is one thing.  What worries me is that I will say it because it is a comment on my not doing the things that the Divine has sent me here to do.  I don’t want to miss out on the joy that truly being me will create. 

When my daughter got married she choose the Lee Ann Rhymes song I Hope You Dance for our dance together.  The chorus says, When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.  She choose that because she said I taught her to dance whenever she got the chance. 

In 2009 I hope you choose to dance.  I hope you take every opportunity to create the life patterns that match your talents and that you take the actions to make them a reality.  Make sure when you say, “Where did the time go?” that it is just a comment on the speed of life.  Choose to dance. 

Posted by: smilecoach | September 10, 2008

Life is a never-ending series of temporary events.

Recently, I have been reminding myself that “Life is a never ending series of events”.  The reason I have had that quote on a constant loop in my head is that an event occurred that tapped into a powerful and long standing fear-based life pattern that I have.  The fear is that I am not accepted by people I care about.  Just when I thought I had this love-based thing mastered and I was living a life that was always filled with joy and abundance, I was hit between the eyes with this old fear.  I had a strong physical reaction to the event which included an elevated heart-rate that I could actually hear in my ears. 

 

I tried desperately to put a gap between stimulus and response so that I could get a better perspective on things.   No matter how often I repeated the process of breathing through my heart and focusing on solutions, I could not get the emotion of fear to subside for more than 5 minutes.   Trust me; I love the feeling of joy flowing through my body, mind and spirit and this was a temporary event that I wanted to be history.  After about 36 hours the fear subsided, but it didn’t disappear completely.  I continued to process the situation with less intensity and less frequency for 3-4 days.  Although I identified the fear I was dealing with in the first paragraph, I didn’t really recognize it until I started to write this post, then it jumped out at me – this is about being accepted.  Up to this point, I had fallen into being a victim.  I am not!  My sense of self does not depend on the good opinion of others.  I easily create love and joy in my life. 

 

Life really is a never ending series of temporary events.  And, yes, sometimes feeling joyful takes an extended effort.  It would be wonderful if everything could be solved in 30 minutes like they do on TV, but it can’t.  Creating a gap and the smile exercise are powerful tools to creating the life I want, even if they don’t always create the desired result instantaneously. 

 

I would enjoy hearing your reactions to my struggle with a life long fear-based life pattern.  What have you learned from what I wrote?  

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