Posted by: smilecoach | July 13, 2009

What do you really, really, really want?

When I ask clients what they really, really, really want in their lives, I frequently hear the following phrases:

  • I think that I probably want to ….
  • I should be doing this because…..
  • If I had more money I would….
  • If I were younger I would…..

 What do all of these partial statements have in common?

a)    They are excuses.

b)    They are indicators of fear.

c)    They are what you believe to be true.

d)    They demonstrate a lack of clarity on what you really want?

 If you said, and I know that you did, they all have a,b,c,and d in common, you are right.   Even though I have been hired as a coach to help people make a change, many, if not most, don’t really know what they want.  Or if they do know the goal, it changes a short ways into the coaching process.  Before you accuse me of blaming my clients for not knowing what they want, let me say that I am not blaming anyone.  Knowing exactly what the ‘big change’ is takes a lot time and energy, not to mention self development know-how.  Only a small percentage of people were taught early in life to find out what they really, really, really want in life and how to achieve it.  If you were never taught this, how can you expect to be an expert in creating a ‘big change’ life?  What most of us have been taught between the ages of 0 and 2 are whole bunch of fear based life patterns that result in a ‘no change’ life.  Fear based lives are like driving an automobile with a fogged up windshield, it is very difficult to see the road ahead.  And even though you know that you need to turn on the defroster, you can’t find it in the high tech world of computer operated cars.  Besides in today’s world who has time to wait for things to be clear before you leave the driveway?

 If you enter the “big change zone” without clarity you are doomed to wondering around aimlessly while your frustration grows as you fail to reach your destination.  Instituting changes, that lead to a more meaningful, joyful and abundant life, demands clarity on several different levels. 

 In order to make the ‘big change’ you are seeking in your life, you need great clarity in at least two areas.  The first is the mission for your life.  Your mission statement describes the core concept for your life.  It is your reason for being here.  If you are still saying, “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!” it will be very difficult to make a ‘big change’ happen.  ‘Big Change’ is never easy, however it is more likely to occur when you are clear on who you want to be.  If you have spent any time coaching with me or in one of my classes, you know how important I believe mission statements are. (Right now, I hope my clients are reciting their mission statement to themselves.)  You are part of the way there once you have created your mission statement and memorized it so that you can say it at gunpoint.  Real clarity comes when you begin to take action to make your mission come true. 

 The second area of clarity that ‘big change’ requires is  life patterns.  It is mandatory that you are aware of the fear based life patterns that are preventing you from taking bold action and then creating love based life patterns that support your ‘big change’.  That means doing the Smile Exercise 30 times a day for 30 days.  Combining your mission statement with power of love based life patterns to support your mission create a higher level of energy and thus commitment to make the ‘big change’. 

 Not long ago I had a client who was in a lot of emotional and spiritual pain.  She had no mission statement, operated from fear based patterns most of the time and on every coaching call she wanted to focus on something different.  First it was to find a job, then it was to be a leader in a service organization, then it was to be a writer, then it was ….. All along the way we kept clarifying life patterns and working on her mission statement.  Slowly clarity developed.  The emotional and spiritual pain has been replaced with a feeling of joy, a clear direction for her career and new power and joy in her writing. 

 When you enter the “big change zone” be prepared to spend more than 30 minutes getting to the answer. 

 Are you ready to turn on your defroster and clearly see the road ahead?

 It takes courage to follow through to make the ‘big change’ happen.  Next I will write about courage.


  1. Hi Frank
    I will be making it a habit to start checking out your blog. This is the first time for me. I would like to thank you for your support in directing me in the right direction with my life. You have been more helfful than you will ever know. I learned that in order for us to really start believing in ourselves we need someone who is non judgemental to believe first. Thanks for everything. Mike

    • Hi Michael,
      I am delighted that you are reading the blog. Working with you is very enjoyable.

      For all you folks who have kids, Michael is starting a wonderful kid and family focused business. His new website will be up shortly –

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